Fun NBA quotes

"Piatkowski is killing Szczerbiak....Oh, what a Scrabble game that would be!"

— Bill Walton

"That's not up to me. I'm not an analysis."

— Michael Beasley

"I make teams win."

— Scot Pollard

"I want to milk that cow as much as possible. That’s a real good form of milk."

— Jabari Parker about Giannis Antetokounmpo

"I think he should have got the surgery before at the beginning of the year instead of waiting."

— Shaquille O'Neal, on Phil Jackson's kidney stones

"A lot more people are going to go to heaven than before. Because we were lying."

— Gregg Popovich about the injured list being abandoned

"Ball."

— Hedo Turkoglu

"I may be, with the exception of Kirk Hinrich, the whitest player in the NBA."

— Paul Shirley, when he was in it

"Two or three years from now you'll look back and think: How could Jordan have not taken [DeSagana] Diop #1?"

— Skip Bayless in 2001

"He's everywhere! Rebounds, assists... Shawn Bradley is looking like Hakeem Olajuwon!"

— Bill Walton

"Can you openly admit that you know the Earth is constitutionally round? Like, you know that for sure? Like, I don't know."

— Kyrie Irving

"Was there a lockout? I don't know, I wasn't even watching the news."

— Stephen Jackson

"I'm a competitor. That's what I do. It doesn't make sense for me to go over and shake somebody's hand."

— LeBron James

"You know, the one who doesn't take risks, he doesn't get to drink champagne."

— Timofey Mozgov

"I'm not going hunting with anyone who plays the same position as me."

— Derrick Coleman about Jayson Williams, long before Williams's murder trial

"It was a different sexual situation going on in the '80s and '90s, and I did a very poor job of describing that."

— Wilt Chamberlain

"I don't hate anyone, at least not for more than 48 minutes, barring overtime."

— Charles Barkley

"I put points on your face!"

— Rudy Fernandez to Pau Gasol

"Looking back, there may have been a few things I would have done differently."

— Rob Babcock reflecting on his Raptors days.

"Any other incisive, deep questions that make my mind go vertiginous? None of you even know what that means."

— Gregg Popovich

"This is my first summer [with] no trouble. I ain't go to jail for speeding. Didn't go to jail for DUI. I didn't break my foot. I didn't break my other foot. I'm one step ahead of the game already."

— Kwame Brown

"I'd probably hire me."

— George Karl, on who he'd hire to replace him in Milwaukee

"If Eric Piatkowski continues playing at this level, he's going to replace Jerry West on the NBA logo."

— Bill Walton

"My beard is so nasty. I mean, it's the only beard in the history of Western civilization that makes Bob Dylan's beard look good."

— Bill Walton

"[Eric Spoelstra] knows he has to meet us halfway. He wants to work, we wanna chill."

— Chris Bosh

"I didn't even know Elvis was from Memphis. I thought he was from Tennessee."

— Drew Gooden

"Sam is an idiot. I-D-O-U-T. Idiot."

— Shaq about Sam Smith

"When Primoz [Brezec] first came to the US, he learned his English. I don't know the words, but let's just say everything starts with gangster and ends with pimp."

— Sam Mitchell

"We played the whole 42 minutes or whatever it is."

— Zach Randolph

"He's white, so probably, yes."

— Metta World Peace, asked if Steve Nash is the smartest Laker

"I thank my teammates for letting their men blow by them."

— Alonzo Mourning after winning the DPOY award

"I'm in favor of it as long as it's multiple choice."

— Kurt Rambis about drug testing

"You know, one day when little Nathan grows up, I hope that his dreams come true and he can be just like me."

— Steve Novak about Nate Robinson

"I shoot from wherever God tells me to."

— Marcus Fizer

"Charles [Barkley] and I have no-trade clauses. His is written in. Mine....well, nobody wants to trade for me."

— Joe Kleine

"I possess the unique ability to slip into a coma at any moment’s notice."

— Robin Lopez

"Every player in our league is underpaid. When Kevin Garnett was making $28 million, he was underpaid."

— Sam Cassell

"It will all be Boooooooooooz to me."

— Carlos Boozer about being booed

"Every day is a day closer to our guys being legal."

— Earl Watson on coaching a young team

"I'm just what America needs - another unemployed black man."

— Charles Barkley after retiring

"I want him to play like Bill Russell but I don't think he knows who Bill Russell is."

— Larry Brown on Darko Milicic

"We were so bad that one night someone broke into our box office and returned four season tickets."

— Johnny Red Kerr

"I'm not going to argue with you, Ernie. I'll hit you in the left eye."

— Charles Barkley to Ernie Johnson

"Yeah, I walked in the shower, I'm not a homosexual or nothing like that, but Kobe had no clothes on."

— Ron Artest

"He's even more mellow than me if that's possible."

— Tim Duncan on Kawhi Leonard

"You outrebounded a dead man by one."

— Abe Lemons to an underperforming player

"Where would the Clippers be without Sean Rooks?"

— Bill Walton

"Wow, all that money and he dresses like Craig Sager."

— Charles Barkley on Mark Cuban

"When you are 60, hang out with 60-year-olds, not 20-year-olds. That is all I got to say about Jerry Buss."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"Is there a better shot blocker than Vlade Divac?"

— Bill Walton

"Me and J.J., we're like brothers. Even though I stay out in the sun more than he does."

— Mickael Pietrus about himself and J.J. Redick

"It’s 15%, but it’s a big 15%."

— Evan Turner when asked about his three-point shot

"I've always said Jeff Green is going to be one of the best players to ever play this game."

— Kevin Garnett

"There are only two plays that I know; "Romeo and Juliet," and put the damn ball in the basket."

— Abe Lemons

"Other than the fourth quarter of the Jersey game and the first, third and fourth quarter against Boston, we've only had four bad quarters of basketball in our last two games."

— Sam Mitchell

"I needed a rest anyway."

— Andrew Bogut after getting ejected from a summer league game

"Hermaphrodites are people with male and female gena- um, genitalia."

— Emeka Okafor on a training camp documentary

"What's better? Dogs or broomsticks? I mean, will the world ever really know?"

— Larry Bird

"I don't know what's wrong with that girl."

— Reggie Evans about Pau Gasol

"When I think about playoffs, my nipples get hard."

— Enes Kanter

"I left the Forum and drove off in my Rolls that night thinking one thought - that [Paul] Westhead must die."

— Spencer Haywood, reflecting on the day he hired the Mafia to put a hit on his head coach

"He's going to own the game. Own the game. We're going to have to build a new arena."

— Pistons scout Will Robinson about Darko Milicic, before he was drafted

"He already gave us 40 something and I'm going to shake his hand and thank him? I'm good."

— James Posey on why he refused to shake Blake Griffin's hand after a loss

"I think Sammy enjoys his summers."

— Andre Iguodala when asked if Sam Dalembert is dedicated to basketball

"[NBA players] make a lot of money, but they also spend a lot of money."

— Patrick Ewing justifying NBA salaries

"Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players. It's up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards."

— Bill Walton

"There are two ways to argue with a woman, and neither of them work."

— Carlos Boozer's reasoning for cancelling an interview because his wife wanted him to go home

"I leave a presence when I walk off."

— Nick Young

"I got my family to feed."

— Latrell Sprewell turning down $21 million

"[Joakim] Noah is one of those guys who like attention."

— LeBron James

"We want to win big games, but we don't play well. We're soft. We play like we have skirts on."

— Scott Skiles

"It would be hard for me not to improve your team."

— Yitzi Teichman, Make-a-Wish Foundation gift recipient, after signing with the Lakers for a day

"[After a block,] Biyombo told me, 'This is my house.' I told him, 'You have seven wins. It's everybody's house.'"

— Rudy Gay

"Twenty years from now, you're gonna see me, right, in a drop top Hummer. Butt naked, with some ankle socks on. And a headband. And some Chuck Taylor's. Butt naked."

— Delonte West

"He looks twelve years old. Especially when he's in a suit."

— Walt Clyde Frazier about Nate Robinson

"His initials are PG, but I want him to be rated R."

— Damon Stoudamire about Pau Gasol

"I'm always trying to see what the joke is, so I miss the play that's called and I've got to ask a teammate."

— Joe Johnson talking about his team's mascot

"You know, they want me to get traded now because things are getting good. Same things that happened at every other team I was on."

— Stephon Marbury

"I really don't even care. I hope they lose every game the rest of the season."

— Paul Pierce when asked about Miami's winning streak

"Here was a physically mature man-child with the feet, touch and timing of a young Hakeem Olajuwon. All [DeSagana] Diop needs is time."

— Skip Bayless in 2001

"You would not believe how hard it has been. Buying my first house. That was a hardship."

— Kevin Garnett

"We try to treat the road like it's a home game. We ain't got no fans at home, neither."

— Dion Glover in his Hawks days

"Last season, we thought we could beat you. This season, we're going to strap it on."

— Stan Kroenke

"I would feel blessed to be the 12th man."

— Mark Pope

"Maybe he wasn't hugged enough as a kid."

— Kobe Bryant about Raja Bell

"We're going to start asking people to go to bars and do some stuff. A little street cred would help us."

— Gregg Popovich

"My hair is a representation of the struggle we've had."

— DeAndre Jordan

"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. Our heads weigh more."

— Vlade Divac

"Damn Shaq, you make me sound like Sydney Poitier"

— Charles Barkley

"This will be in the past, like a ponytail."

— Klay Thompson

"Him not being here is going to be tough for me. I don't know what I'm going to wake up for."

— Steve Francis after Cuttino Mobley was traded away

"I'm not sure if I was their first choice or not. But I'm not sure I was my wife's first choice, either."

— Mark Fox, Georgia coach

"If he dies, he dies."

— Timofey Mozgov after Kevin Love sustaned an eye injury

"Hey AC. If God's so good, why didn't he give you a ****ing jump shot?"

— Charles Barkley to A.C. Green

"It helps that he's single with no kids. He just packs up his one bag, his Segway, and goes to the next city."

— Nazr Mohammed explaining how Boris Diaw deals with being traded

"I love In-N-Out. It's addicting. It's the only reason I'm here in L.A. If it wasn't for In-N-Out Burger, I probably would've gone to Memphis or something."

— Ron Artest

"Once he goes against the men, they're going to beat his butt and make him cry."

— Charley Rosen about LeBron James

"Nothing wrong with wanting to go home."

— Stephon Marbury

"Getting elbows in the face, I've missed that."

— Elton Brand, after Melvin Ely busted his lip in his first practice back from injury

"They brought him off the injured list, and he was pretty much doing the same thing he was doing on the injured list, which is nothing."

— Chris Jefferies about Rick Brunson

"If Anthony Johnson ever gets a jumper, who's going to stop him?"

— Bill Walton

"A man has to know his limitations and I don't have any."

— Former NBA player Edgar Jones

"To hang out in a gay bar or put on a sequined halter top makes me feel like a total person."

— Dennis Rodman

"I won't call myself a soft teddy bear because it might mess up my image, but I am a great guy."

— Kendrick Perkins

"Both teams played hard."

— Rasheed Wallace's answer to every question in a post game interview

Reporter: "How are Kwame's hands this season, are they improving?" Phil Jackson - "Let's just say I wouldn't let him hold a baby."

— Phil Jackson

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

— Chuck Nevitt

"Not a big deal other than the throngs of women that are gonna be screaming my name when they see me."

— Shane Battier about sleeved jerseys

"I had to smell his breath for alcohol. I checked his office for drugs. I said, ‘You’ve gotta be high.’ You know what I’m saying?"

— Evan Turner after Brad Stevens benched him

"I love Pluto. Everybody loves Pluto. There's a dog named Pluto in the cartoons. I don't know how we got on that subject. We've got to see if we can get Pluto back."

— Ron Artest

"His initials are PG, but I want him to be rated R."

— Damon Stoudamire about Pau Gasol

"The NBA will be fine without old LeBron, it's got Ben Simmons."

— Colin Cowherd

John Saunders: "What advice would you give to Luke [Walton] to have a successful NBA career?" Bill Walton: "Pass it to Shaq."

— John Saunders and Bill Walton

"Play some Picasso."

— Former Net Chris Morris to a restaurant piano player, trying to impress a date

"I didn't go to college. I don't know how to read."

— Kobe Bryant

"I see you in the club."

— Yao Ming to Ron Artest at a press conference

"If I was a Caesar salad, the croutons would be my friends, the lettuce would be my family and the dressing would be my mom."

— Kevin Garnett

"Nobody thought I'd be a great coach. I'm the kind of guy you'd expect to be driving an 18-wheeler through town."

— Rick Majerus

"Shut up, you little Smurf."

— Gary Payton to Sidney Lowe

"How many people can say that they've punched a fan?"

— Stephen Jackson

"Hey kids. Do drugs."

— Scot Pollard

"It's just the same as school, just without all the adult supervision and everyone needing to know where I'm going every five minutes."

— Dorell Wright about the NBA

"I'm going to kill Bart Simpson."

— Robin Lopez

"Cause we're old as s***."

— Kobe Bryant when asked why his Lakers were struggling

"Not sure - they haven't told me yet."

— Brandon Armstrong, when asked which knee he had tendonitis in

"The ghosts were all over me. I just accepted it. They touched me all over the place. I'm taking one of the ghosts to court for touching me in the wrong places."

— Metta World Peace

"Flawless. Llike Yosemite Falls coming right through the rim."

— Bill Walton about Ray Allen's jumpshot

"I don't see it happening unless every NBA player is given a stipend to buy clothes."

— Marcus Camby before the dress code was brought in

"I'm scared. I think I'm the best player here."

— Scott Hastings on the Heat expansion team

"We named your kidney stone Kobe because it's not passing."

— Phil Jackson's anaesthesiologist

"Eddie Griffin has put up the two worst shots in the history of the Rockets franchise here tonight."

— Bill Walton

"I got two words for you; Steve Nash and Chris Paul, must see TV,"

— Charles Barkley

"[Battier is] as smart as hell. He understands how to play the game. He plays it at 100% ferocity all the time, a ferocity with sense. And on top of that, he's a character guy, he's a leader, he's a consummate pro. I hate him."

— Gregg Popovich

"I don't think he watches tape. I think he plays video games and I think he could possibly have an Atari. He should upgrade to a PlayStation."

— Ron Artest about Javale McGee

"We have to play like we like each other."

— Dwight Howard

"The sky is not the limit, it's the air with clouds in it."

— Tyrus Thomas

"Every night, when you lay your head on your pillow, you say, 'Wow, I'm one of 300.' Of course, 50 of us are real bad."

— Scott Hastings

"I really sat down and envisioned life after basketball. I really saw myself not playing."

— Mo Williams after LeBron James left Cleveland

"81 points, and he'll be done, what, the first week of May?"

— Scottie Pippen about Kobe Bryant

"I don't care if James Naismith was guarding me, which would be scary because he's dead."

— Rudy Gay

"I feel good to be back to my non-athletic self."

— Shane Battier

"All I want to do is grab somebody and bang nowadays."

— Brad Miller

"I got to the rim and ran out of talent."

— Corey Brewer after missing a layup

"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

— Pat Williams

"He has been unbelievable and milking him has been a beautiful thing."

— Steve Nash about Kobe Bryant

"Osama shouldve hooped instead of tryna kill ppl cause he tall as hell"

— Terry Rozier

"If it ain't broke, don't break it."

— Charles Oakley

"I may not be a class act, but I'm an American."

— Ron Artest, campaigning for a spot on the Olympic team

"It wasn't a big deal, like somebody asking me to go fishing."

— Greg Ostertag after donating a kidney to his sister

"I can be bought. If they paid me enough, I'd work for the Klan."

— Charles Barkley

"ANYTHING IS POSSIBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

— Kevin Garnett

"Me and JJ, we're like brothers. Even though I stay out in the sun more than he does."

— Mickael Pietrus about himself and J.J. Redick

"Usually my two-year-old ends up dribbling it around the house."

— Steve Nash when asked what happens to all the milestone balls he receives

"The only time your hips should touch another person is when you are having sex."

— John Salley

"I don't want to say we're dysfunctional. But we need to be more functional."

— Kirk Snyder

"You can bet the last thing Coach Bob McKinnon wants is a repeat of last Friday night's blow job."

— Bob Costas

"If I had known it was such a big deal, I would have averaged a triple-double for my entire career."

— Oscar Robertson

"I wanted to ask if he planned to expand NBA basketball to the moon."

— Yao Ming, on his meeting with David Stern

"He's really little. Like, really little. You guys don't understand how little he is. I hope he got into his car seat and buckled in tonight. If not, I think that's a ticket."

— Gilbert Arenas about Jameer Nelson

"I used to have at least a five-inch vertical, but over the years, it's dropped. It's now down to two or three inches."

— Mark Pope

"Except for offense, defense, rebounding, and turnovers, we had a good game."

— Bob Weiss

"Great, we'll have to put that on the scouting report.

— Matt Bonner after Kobe scored 81 on his team

"We just do what we do. Same boring thing for 20 years."

— Gregg Popovich

"Once or twice a year after shoot-around on the road we will empty the entire ball rack by either throwing or punting each ball into the stands, then make the rookies climb the steps all around the arena to get each ball. I’m not sure why, but I really like doing that."

— Nick Collison

"We padded that. We actually had about 60 people there."

— Dick Motta after a Chicago game had an announced attendance of 891

"He's fat, lazy and selfish, but other than that, he's perfect."

— Unnamed Eastern Conference scout on Eddy Curry

"Why did you have to dunk on me so hard?"

— Maciej Lampe to Jarvis Hayes

"I'm one of the best shooters in the league and I know that for a fact."

— Marcus Morris

"Half Man, Half Sit-Out-The-Season."

— Charles Barkley on Vince Carter

"I didn't know he was the captain. But, since you said it, I really didn't notice it I guess."

— JaVale McGee when asked about John Wall's performance as captain

"I'm like, 'I don't miss.' That's my new name - ''I.D.M.' Call me 'I.D.M.'"

— Nick Young

"I didn't hear him. I wasn't going to listen to him anyways."

— Steve Nash after taking a quick shot Mike D'Antoni didn't want

"A BEAUTIFUL pass by Tony Parker...off the front of the rim."

— Bill Walton

"Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious."

— Charles Shackleford

"In the playoffs, we all celebrities. It's great. I was a celebrity for 12 seconds tonight."

— Damon Jones

"We're the two best white shooters in the NBA."

— Gilbert Arenas about J.J. Redick and himself

"Three quarters of the world is covered by water. The rest is covered by Chuck Hayes."

— Shane Battier

"Wikipedia asking for donations... Might have to do it. Wouldn't have gotten thru high school without it. Definitely not Duke."

— Justise Winslow

"It's not up to me. It's up to the organization to say that they want to match that ridiculous contract."

— Carmelo Anthony about Jeremy Lin

"You suck."

— Raja Bell to Sasha Vujacic

"This is an unbelievable venture for myself. This is great, also for the kids."

— LeBron James after donating to a Boys And Girls club

"Ever watch an All-Star Game? It's God awful. Everybody gets the ball, goes 1-on-1 and plays no defense. That's us."

— Mike D'Antoni

"Roses are red ... violets are blue ... if you look at another girl ... I will beat you."

— Doug Christie's wife Jackie

"We play basket-ball, not rebound-ball."

— Andrea Bargnani

"I'm too white trash for the Lakers."

— Paul Shirley

"Get him out of the game, he's hurting the team."

— Larry Bird to Chuck Person's teammates after Person kept talking to Bird

"I've been traveling the world picking up new moves, kind of like David Carradine walking the earth in 'Kung Fu' though I hope things turn out a little better for me than they did for him."

— Robin Lopez

"Kenyon Martin is the second-best player in the Eastern Conference."

— Bill Walton

"I wear women's leggings under my clothes, but no lingerie."

— Dennis Rodman

"They're like contracts. Everybody's got one. Some are just bigger than others."

— Charles Oakley about entourages

"He is.............................a lunatic."

— Adonal Foyle about Gilbert Arenas

"So, which one of you guys is going to come in second?"

— Larry Bird before the Three-Point Contest; he won

"It's like hopping out of the shower without a towel, running into a meat freezer and staying there for about 10-15 minutes, and running back out."

— Kevin Garnett on what it's like to be an All-Star

"Tyson Chandler! Eating rim in Toronto!"

— Chuck Swirsky

"That's like clubbing baby seals."

— Clyde Drexler describing Andres Nocioni's futile attempts to defend Yao Ming

"I’m way closer to LeBron than you are to me."

— Brian Scalabrine

"The best thing you could say about Charlie Ward is at least he wasn't Chris Childs."

— Bill Walton

"Even my family gets spoiled at times watching me doing things that I do, on and off the court."

— LeBron James

"LeBron stays humble by just being LeBron."

— LeBron James while still in high school

"If the NBA were on Channel 5 and a bunch of frogs making love were on Channel 4, I'd watch the frogs."

— Bob Knight

"He's one of the best power forwards of all-time. I take my hands off to him."

— Scottie Pippen about Tim Duncan

"We're like Tim Duncan and David Robinson. But a younger version. I really feel that."

— Charlie Villanueva about himself and Chris Bosh

"I think I'll get along real well with Brad. I can see us really going at it in practice every day, then going out and killing something to eat."

— Greg Ostertag about then-new team mate, Brad Miller

"The only man who can stop Cliff Robinson is Cliff Robinson. The man is unstoppable even at 38."

— Bill Walton

"San Diego is beautiful. And the people are beautiful. Everything's beautiful. Even the bums are beautiful. When they panhandle, they hold out a piece of Tiffany glassware for donations."

— Rick Majerus

"Hold on a second, I broke my butt cheek."

— Kevin Love to a referee

"There's only one person who's scarier than him, and that's God."

— George Hill about LeBron

"Rook, I am the best shooter in the league. In the league, understand? And you're up here trying to tell me something?"

— Larry Bird to Reggie Miller, as Reggie tried to distract Bird between free throws

"I will shoot all you Asian ******s. Do you remember the Vietnam War? I'll kill y'all just like that."

— Jason Williams to an Asian fan

"I'm trying Jennifer"

— C.J. McCollum

"If you're being drafted, people are saying "we want you around for four years", and I can't imagine anybody wants Enes Kanter or Royce White around them for even four minutes."

— Robin Lopez

"Colonel Sanders is the greatest white man that ever lived."

— Charles Barkley

"Of all the players I've coached in my career, Mark Titus is one of them."

— Thad Matta

"Greg Ostertag is one of the top centres on this planet."

— Bill Walton

"I don't want to go 'Ring - CHASING', as I call it, you know. Going to a team that's already pretty established and trying to win a ring with them. I want to stay with the Cavs and build a champion."

— LeBron James

"I've actually got my ring fitted for my middle finger so they can kiss that one."

— Andrew Bogut

“I got to be honest with you, when he stepped onto the court, this dude is huge. I just realized that I’ve got to go home and eat like five chickens and put a lot of weight on. It’s going to take a couple months, but seriously."

— Marcin Gortat about Shaq

"I'm a huge cribbage and corduroy enthusiast."

— Matt Bonner

"After the album comes out I'm going to make sure all of my time is focused on winning a championship."

— Ron Artest

"They don't pay players to play defense. There's only two people historically that play defense."

— Jabari Parker

"Turkey is a great city."

— Rudy Gay, twice

"There are things you can't get in Vancouver, like Cap'n Crunch."

— Tony Massenburg on why he didn't like Vancouver

"He's not bad."

— Ron Artest on Carmelo Anthony

"When [Jalen Rose] comes over here, I'm going to give him a kiss. Not on his lips, though."

— Rafer Alston

"I'm pimptastic."

— Ed Davis

"When I started, I thought I was going to be with one team."

— Jim Jackson after tying the NBA's record for most teams

"If I was to answer that question honestly, I would have to lie to you."

— Isiah Thomas

"Maybe I'm just always thinking."

— Troy Hudson, on why he rarely talks

"When you have a bad game here or there, you've had three bad games in a seven-year career, then it's easy to point that out."

— LeBron James

"It's good to cry. Never keep it bottled up. Then it either explodes like soda or comes out in the form of gas. You want tears or a fart?"

— Ron Artest

"Unstoppable, baby!"

— Marc Jackson after hitting a lay-up during a 29-point loss

"There's not much to look forward to from here on out, so I'm trying to find Ashley Judd in the crowd. It beats the adult videos at the hotel."

— Rick Majerus while losing heavily

"Karl Malone has spent more time in a gym, than Corey Maggette has been alive."

— Bill Walton

"I think I need botox on just one of my cheek bones. The other one, I want it to hang low."

— Ron Artest

"At least we held them under 100."

— Larry Brown after losing 93-61

"Jerry Krause must have pictures of his boss's wife having sex with a monkey."

— Charles Barkley

"You miss 100% of the shots you take."

— Mike James, managing to make a bad quote worse

"Just give every coach the same amount of money and tell them they can keep what's left over."

— Abe Lemons on how to stop illegal recruiting

"If you meet the Buddha in the lane, feed him the ball."

— Phil Jackson

"I'm startin 2 give my left hand more responsibilities, brushing my teeth, wipin myself, all in the effort 2 b a better ball player."

— Mike James (in an email to a reporter)

"I just play with whatever they [give me.] If we are gonna play with a sock, then we play with a sock."

— Delonte West

"The average fan doesn't study the draft and players like we do."

— Rob Babcock

"VIKING LOVE!!!"

— Steve Nash shouting nonsense in a pre-game huddle

"I don't think Ron [Artest] had ever meditated before he came here. And if he did, it wasn't with 12 or 13 other guys."

— Lamar Odom

"It's not going to be peaches and gravy all the time."

— Brad Miller trying to explain away inconsistency

"I kinda knew Cleveland was going to get the #1 pick. I think they rigged it. Don't quote me on that, though."

— Carmelo Anthony

"Have you ever seen Gollum, John Clayton and Sam Cassell in the same place before?"

— Charles Barkley on the 2005 Clippers

"I wanted it to be all about me."

— LeBron James talking about "The Decision"

"You like it? You think Cleveland's cool? I never heard anybody say I'm going to Cleveland on vacation. What's so good about Cleveland?"

— Joakim Noah

"Just underneath the ground.....BAM. Carrots. Albuquerque."

— Delonte West describing a typical day for Bugs Bunny

"Guys like him only come around once every ten years."

— Shaq about Kevin Love

"When he has the ball in his hands, I'm a lot better coach."

— Rick Adelman about Ricky Rubio

"I felt like we wanted it. We just wanted to come together collectively. Play hard, do it together. I’m definitely too sexy for my cat, definitely, we know that. I’m also too tough to let a meniscus surgery keep me out for six weeks"

— Metta World Peace

"If they want to turn me into the Jordan crying face, it's fine."

— C.J. McCollum

"Sometimes you're like, 'Man they must have a cheat code or something.'"

— Emeka Okafor after losing

Greg Gumbel: "Happy St Patrick's Day!" Charles Barkley: "Great. Another reason for the Irish to go out and drink."

— Greg Gumbel and Charles Barkley

"My sperm is getting slower."

— Dirk Nowitzki

"Sometimes you're the pigeon, and sometimes you're the statue."

— Bernie Bickerstaff

"I thought we were up."

— J.R. Smith after Game 1 of the 2018 NBA Finals

"This is my two seconds. I must enjoy."

— Boban Marjanovic after receiving a taunting technical after a dunk

"I feel like Bill Walton - old and sh***y."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"I don't need too much. Glamour and all that stuff don't excite me."

— LeBron James

"Men lie women lie BUCKETS DNT"

— Dion Waiters

"I cherished getting kicked out of school. It was a great thing. I became a millionaire."

— Jason Williams

"I didn't think he had it in him."

— Tracy McGrady, speaking about his dog after it bit a repairman's nose off

"We could use a little more strength at the five position, the four position and shooting and point guard position."

— Danny Ainge

"He's not nice. I talk a lot of trash out there, but c'mon, be a little sensitive. Be sweet."

— Joakim Noah about Kevin Garnett

"We couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle."

— Rick Carlisle

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"

— Leon Wood to Steve Albert

"When I'm not playing, I like to work on my game and look fly for the honeys."

— Julius Hodge

"Eddie Robinson is about one word: winning and losing."

— Paul Collier, his agent

"Star Spangled Banner, I listen to it 82 times every year."

— Yao Ming, when asked about his favourite American song

"We're 0-11 but we still have 71 more games."

— Bradley Beal

"Americans ... we have sort of an arrogance about us. Like we're the cultured ones? Are you serious? Have you watched TV lately?"

— Gregg Popovich

"I taught him everything he knows."

— Kwame Brown about Andrew Bynum

"It's biblical. It's in the old testament. The prophet of swag."

— Nick Young, when asked about the origins of his nickname, Swaggy P.

"Not enough brain cells for that one, brother. I just stand there."

— Steven Adams, asked about his rebounding technique

Reporter: "What could Eddy Curry do to become a better rebounder?" Scott Skiles: "Jump."

— Scott Skiles

"A LeBron James team is never desperate."

— LeBron James

"Purchase them at the ticket office or flirt with someone who works at the Garden and finesse your way to courtside."

— Evan Turner on how to get good tickets

"I'm one of those players who likes to take the last shot. Let's be honest, I like to take all the shots"

— Dan Issel

"That was my fault. I should have read it before it came out."

— Charles Barkley on being misquoted in his autobiography

"I think Blake is an alien and I think DeAndre is an alien."

— Baron Davis about Blake Griffin and DeAndre Jordan

"I earn my money. Why don't you try it?"

— Gary Neal to Larry Sanders

"On our team, we got a lot of young guys and they always want to poke at you and tickle you and stuff, and I really hate that."

— Eddy Curry

"You know I had to do it one time lol. #Holocaust"

— Danny Green

"I don't think it's too likely, because I'm not a very good basketball player."

— Mark Pope on his chances of making the team

"You've got to realize, this is the same guy who said he wanted to go play in Madison Square Garden because of the aroma."

— Flip Saunders about Stephon Marbury

"I'm hunting for little Mexican girls."

— Karl Malone to Vanessa Bryant

"And he was very mean to me my rookie year. And he's only mean to the young guys and the [European players], for some reason."

— Joakim Noah about Kevin Garnett

"I heard Tonya Harding is calling herself the Charles Barkley of figure skating. I was going to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character."

— Charles Barkley

"I think they started three white guys. Three American white guys at that. I am pretty sure there is a rule against that somewhere."

— Paul Shirley on Memphis

"I don't know what life is like, I don't know how regular people live. I just can never understand it. My first job was the NBA."

— Tracy McGrady

"He rubs off on me. He makes me happy. He starts … swagging ... or something ... and it gets me going."

— Mike D'Antoni about Nick Young

"You can't teach the beast. It's either in you or it isn't. You can't just go to the store and buy a six-pack of beast."

— Kevin Garnett

"We can never not think we can't win."

— Amare Stoudemire

"People coming up to me asking me if I'm Hasheem Thabeet. That's probably the worst thing."

— Roy Hibbert

"Danny Ferry is just a tremendous player."

— Bill Walton

"I saw what the governor makes. That's like four hands of blackjack."

— Charles Barkley on why he did not seriously consider becoming the governor of Alabama

"He's a very attractive man. He'll be instructing you as to how to look at him, and the different angles of how good he looks, on a daily basis."

— Scot Pollard about Peja Stojakovic

"I remember draft night, I shook David Stern's hand while rocking a red suit with white pinstripes and red gators. I've always been a trendsetter."

— Jalen Rose

"I probably shouldn’t make any plans for All-Star Weekend now."

— Evan Turner after a 360 dunk

"Jesus was hated, too."

— Evan Turner

"I'm the only person ever with a rat tail and a NBA championship. Let that sink in."

— JaVale McGee

"I'm like the Splash Brother who just got out of the pen."

— Nick Young after joining the Warriors

"It's kinda hard being this fly man. But, it's easy at the same time."

— Nick Young

"Like I told the guys earlier, once he turns 21 and is able to drink, it's over."

— Jalen Rose after LeBron scored 56 on him

"It's the kind of game that makes you go home and beat your wife."

— Charles Barkley

"Punjabi! As Peja drills it!"

— Matt Devlin slightly misfiring on Mr Stojakovic's name. (Note: awkward silences left out for space reasons.)

"...now quickly to the big guy...and now to the lefty....and he lost the ball but it's picked up in there...the little fella...oh boy, I'm having trouble with the names."

— Johnny Most

"I anticipate saving a lot of money going forward."

— Mark Cuban after David Stern announced his retirement

"Look how high we is!"

— Dwight Howard on a roller coaster

"There's something odd about going up to Michael Jordan and slipping him $16 a day."

— Terry Francona, Jordan's manager during his minor league baseball career

"I've been doing yoga, a new form called gyrotonics. I'll let you look it up. You know me, I'm advanced."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"I eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before every game. Whoever invented that was smart. That's got to be one of the best sandwiches ever."

— Ben Gordon

"My swag was phenomenal."

— Gilbert Arenas after a game winner

"I contacted the Clippers about medical coverage and they said [prostate cancer] surgery wouldn't be covered. [T]hey said if they did it for one person, they'd have to do for everybody else."

— Kim Hughes, former coach

"E.T.."

— Rondae Hollis-Jefferson, asked about his favorite Star Wars character

"A computer geek trapped in an athlete's body."

— Chris Bosh describing himself

"He should move to Hawaii, lose a ton of weight and start all over… become a yoga master."

— Bill Walton about Greg Oden

"Obviously a lot more women would be into the game."

— Evan Turner, when asked if he'd like to be the NBA logo

"It hasn't changed me at all. Obviously I won't go in the stands again, but I'm the same person."

— Stephen Jackson

"I'm an optometrist. I always believe in good."

— Mychal Thompson

"in college, your per-diem is only about $5 so you end up eating McDonalds most of the time, but in the NBA the per-diem is like $100, so you can go someplace fancy, like Red Lobster."

— Popeye Jones

"It's not about the money. It's about the stuff that you can buy with the money."

— Kevin Garnett

"It seems like a pretty common American name. It's not like I named him Hyundai or Toyota."

— Blake Griffin when asked why he named his son Ford

"I thought he was a pretty good looking fella when he had hair, but oh my goodness, did that bring out all his bad features or what?"

— Don Nelson after Dirk Nowitzki had a hair cut

"He can't get depressed, he plays for the Knicks."

— Charles Barkley on Nate Robinson's dunk contest misses

"I ain't no GM. Ask Kobe. He's the GM. It's his team. Go ask him."

— Chucky Atkins

"Maybe if you earn less than $8 million, you'll get a scholarship from the commissioner."

— David Stern's answer to Marcus Camby's request for a clothing stipend

"Chris Broussard: "Paul, did you call 'bank'?" Paul Pierce: "I called game.""

— Chris Broussard and Paul Pierce

"It was like my best friend in America."

— Andris Biedrins after crashing his Porsche

"That's a cheap shot by a low-class type player. You don't do that. That's gay on his part. I told him that he was gay, too, for touching me in my private parts."

— Francisco Elson about Kevin Garnett

"Yell at him daily."

— Tom Thibodeau, when asked how he ensures an injured Zach LaVine still feels like a part of the team

"I don't think Kobe is the best player. I'm the best player."

— Paul Pierce

"Ball don't lie."

— Rasheed Wallace

"This tattoo means 'sincere.' At least, I hope it does. Every time I go into a Chinese store they laugh at me."

— Delonte West

"It was unanimous. 1-0, and I won."

— David Stern when asked whether the vote to suspend Ron Artest for the season was unanimous

"I don't know anything about Angola, but I know they're in trouble."

— Charles Barkley before playing them

"I never got a California driver's license. If I ever got stopped, I was going to tell the cop, 'I'm the Clippers coach. I'm not going to be here that long."

— Bob Weiss

"Tom."

— Tom Nissalke, coach of the 1966 Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name

"Male fashion model."

— Marcus Banks, when asked by Daryl Morey what he really wanted to be in life

"You can't kill a G. Bugs Bunny is a G."

— Delonte West

"John Stockton is one of the true marvels, not just of basketball, or in America, but in the history of Western civilization."

— Bill Walton

Jim Valvano: "Can you give me a T for what I'm thinking?" Ref: "No." Valvano: "Good. In that case, I think you suck."

— Jim Valvano

"We can't go out there with our heads up our anuses thinking that we have every game won."

— Julius Hodge

"I couldn't decide between the windmill or the 360. I ended up going with the one-handed power slam."

— Matt Bonner after a rare dunk

"By the time we got [to Detroit], it was almost 2 in the morning. Ain't nothing open but hospitals, jails and legs."

— Jalen Rose

"I don't even understand the word happy. Happy is a stupid word. It really is. It makes no sense."

— Gregg Popovich

"I'd never buy my girl a watch. She's already got a clock over the stove."

— Charles Barkley

"I started wearing glasses last season but they're only for basketball games and dirty movies."

— Rick Majerus

"He coached the Bad Boys. And if you can coach those assholes, you can coach anybody."

— Charles Barkley on Chuck Daly

"I take my hat off to myself for dealing with all this stuff."

— Carmelo Anthony during trade rumours

"I been on the toilet all night, my butt crack feels like it has sun burn."

— Evan Turner

"We're going to be in bed with each other. It's like a marriage."

— Stephon Marbury about himself and Jamal Crawford

"I've never taken medication [to control my moods] in my life. Doctors have suggested it and I say, 'OK, give it to me.' But I throw it in the garbage immediately."

— Ron Artest

"You can't have everything."

— J.R. Smith, commenting on LeBron's receding hairline

"Name twelve players better than me."

— Jalen Rose, about if he should make the 2002 All Star team

"People think this is tough. I ain't gonna tell 'em any different."

— Doug Moe

"I will find the referees, murder them and then [expletive] their daughters."

— Darko Milicic

"Honestly, not to like go too deep into it or be a hipster about it, but if you’re gonna be nice to me one day a year, my life sucks."

— Evan Turner about birthdays

"If I moonwalk after I get a rebound, that's exciting. If [Andrew Bynum] does, like, a cartwheel, take his shirt off, and [puts] electrical shocks on his nipples and starts doing the Electric Slide, that's exciting."

— Ron Artest

"Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win."

— Doug Collins

"I'm always powder-fresh during the games. I'm sure my opponents love that."

— DeAndre Jordan

"Some guys smoke. Some guys drink. Some guys chase women. I'm a big barbecue sauce guy."

— Rick Majerus

"I don't have to shoot from more than two feet. I'm top 50. I've got 23,000 from where I shoot."

— Shaq after Danny Fortson challenged him to take more jumpshots.

"Incompetence should not be confined to one sex."

— Bill Russell when asked about the prospect of female referees.

"That's almost like communism. That's like Castro."

— Kevin Garnett after the 2006 tightening of the technical foul rules

"Early in the game we were careless with the ball, but towards the end of the game we started......ummmm.....being........well, not careless, I guess."

— Julius Hodge

"We're shooting 100% - 60% from the field and 40% from the free-throw line."

— Norm Stewart

"Vowels and consonants ain't all they're cracked up to be."

— Josh Howard

"It was all out of love."

— Chris Paul's brother CJ, when asked why Chris once pulled a knife on him.

"I turn around and Pluto's no longer a planet. I'm going to elbow that guy in the nose."

— Ron Artest

"Anytime you bring Michael Olowokandi on to your team, disaster is soon to follow."

— Bill Walton

"I'd like to be a candidate to date Cindy Crawford. Do you see that woman right there? She and I are candidates to be married."

— Rick Majerus

"I was really pushing for something interesting, like chronic dandruff."

— Mark Pope, on being placed on Denver's injured list with tendonitis

"You ever wash your sheets and then when you go out, you hang them out and when the sun dries them you smell your sheets? That's what Shaq is."

— Kevin Garnett

"When in doubt, shoot. That's how I look at it."

— Stephon Marbury

"OVERTIME!....No! The Raptors win it!"

— Matt Devlin

"I really like Rafer Alston. We get along great. We have a lot of fun times together that I can't share with you guys."

— Jalen Rose

"You can't throw the ball through the nose of a defender and have it come out his asshole to a teammate."

— Rick Carlisle

Isiah Thomas: "I've got some bad news. We're trading you to Phoenix." Antonio McDyess: "What's the bad news?"

— Isiah Thomas and Antonio McDyess

"Dan is the countryest guy in L.A. We all make fun of him. Sometimes he doesn't even know what he's talking about; he's just talking."

— Chris Duhon about Dan D'Antoni

"I thought LeBron James was just going to be another addition to help me score."

— Ricky Davis

"I'd rather tongue-kiss a maggot than listen to that."

— Monty Williams, after Quincy Pondexter sang Happy Birthday to him

"Either I've grown, or these are women's shoes. I don't know. Maybe they think I play like a girl."

— Scott Brooks

"You know you haven't been home a lot when your dog barks at you."

— Zydrunas Ilgauskas

"The only thing Christian Laettner has in common with Larry Bird is they both pee standing up."

— Charles Barkley

"Big boys don't cry. But, if you're going to do it, do it in the toilet where no one can see."

— Phil Jackson

"We're just playing basketball. It's not like we're going out to have unprotected sex with Magic."

— Charles Barkley

"I made it in my head a long time ago."

— Chris Bosh when asked about his chances of making the All-Star team

"I'm the first player in history that doesn't want to play defense and still gets in foul trouble."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"What comes out of the microwave hot doesn't always stay hot. I know, because I eat bagels in the morning."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"He's three times bigger than anybody else on the court."

— Chris Paul about Andrew Bynum

"Pardon me. I just got finished putting this penguin in a head lock. He kept making weird duck sounding noises."

— Ron Artest

"The game is too long, the season is too long and the players are too long."

— Jack Dolph, former ABA Commissioner

"He's a very mean guy. Where's the love? None at all. Ugly, too."

— Joakim Noah about Kevin Garnett

"It's pretty depressing out here, man. It's bad. It's bad. It's all factories."

— Joakim Noah about Cleveland

"I'll be honest as hell with you. I did write out a will before taking this trip."

— Lamar Odom about the 2004 Olympics

"That's a trick question. The U.S. does not have a capital."

— Elton Brand after being asked the capital of the USA

"Finally, a chance to recreate the last few seasons of my career: sitting down."

— Blake Griffin, launching his podcast

"Sam's gangster."

— Primoz Brezec about his then-head coach, Sam Mitchell

"The good news is I was equipped, thanks for my arsenal of Bud Light."

— Shane Battier on being benched

"Eddie House's kid is funny as hell."

— Stephon Marbury

"It will make me look sexier at the beach."

— Julius Hodge on gaining 15lbs of muscle

"Loose ball foul on whatever the hell his name is."

— Joey Crawford calling a foul on Stojko Vrankovic

"I just didn't see how me practicing hard was going to take my talent to another level."

— Tracy McGrady

"To be honest, I would put myself in the same category as D-Wade. At the end of the day, the only thing he have that I don’t have is, you know, more wins and two championships."

— Monta Ellis

"To finally get to experience the second round, it feels great."

— Tracy McGrady as his Magic team went 3-1 up in the first round; they lost 4-3

Reporter: "Did you earn your degree at Clemson?" Elden Campbell: "No, but they gave me one anyway."

— Elden Campbell

"I've won Player of the Month before. They don't ever give me anything for it. A new car, something, a plaque."

— Paul Pierce

"He's instant offense, on both ends of the floor."

— Charles Barkley about then-teammate Cuttino Mobley

"If all I'm remembered for is being a good basketball player, then I've done a bad job with the rest of my life."

— Isiah Thomas

"I don't promote cursing, but it helps. I look at it like it's straight to the point. It's nothing that I'm proud of. If I could stop, I would. But **** it."

— Kevin Garnett

"He hits like my grandma."

— Eduardo Najera about Kevin Garnett

"Well, he's a good player for Minnesota."

— Gary Payton when asked about Serbia, confusing it for Wally Szczerbiak

"The groupie level is always there."

— Lamar Odom

"That Michael Jackson is unbelievable, isn't he?"

— Al Gore after the Bulls won the 1998 NBA Championship

"Scarlett johanneson, I will drink ur bath water"

— Kevin Durant on Twitter

"I know I can score 20 or 30 points anytime I want."

— Sasha Vujacic

"We don't pray after a game. That's too late."

— Abe Lemons

"So far, we've proven we can beat anybody and lose to anybody."

— Doc Rivers

"I'm not worried about the Sacramento Queens."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"You want me to take the time to count 'em?"

— Jalen Rose when asked how many of his Raptors teammates were question marks

"I have been very intentional in distancing myself from anything that would jeopardize my personal and professional relationships."

— Zach Randolph

"I make love to pressure."

— Stephen Jackson

"Maybe I'll buy a chocolate factory."

— Andrei Kirilenko

"If I could look into the future, I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you doorknobs. I'd be out investing in the stock market."

— Kevin McHale

Yinka Dare: "Jayson, what does the "C" on Christian Laettner's jersey stand for?" Jayson Williams: "Yinka, what do you think the "C" stands for?" Yinka Dare: "Caucasian?"

— Yinka Dare and Jayson Williams

"I made the mistake of going out and drinking Budweiser with Larry Bird one night. I had to get carried back to the hotel."

— Charles Barkley

"Violence is never the answer, but sometimes it is."

— Matt Barnes

"I must be doing something right."

— Stephen Jackson's response to making Forbes's all-overpaid list

"It was almost like a rat (peeing) on cotton."

— Reggie Miller after a big three-pointer

"When all is said and done, there’s nothing left to say or do."

— Darryl Dawkins

"The only difference between a good shot and a bad shot is if it goes in or not."

— Charles Barkley

"I do things that are much more complicated than rebounds and defense."

— Andrea Bargnani

"It's brilliant that you lose your baby teeth when you're a baby, rather than lose them when you're like 30 or 20. That has nothing to do with your question, but that was definitely on my mind."

— Ron Artest

"The Washington Wizards are trying to make the playoffs. It's pretty much the same thing."

— Tyronn Lue on the war in Iraq

"I’ll always remember this as the night that Michael Jordan and I combined to score 70 points."

— Stacey King after Jordan scored 69

"I hopped out of my car with my gun. I had a gun license at the time so it was all good. People think I was shooting up the place willy-nilly, but my gun was registered."

— Stephen Jackson

"That's like asking a guy getting a divorce, 'Who did your wife just bone?'"

— Chris Webber to reporters asking him badly timed questions

"If [J.J. Barea's] head was normal sized, I think he'd only be 5'4. But it's so large it makes him 5'9."

— Dirk Nowitzki

"I get buckets, son."

— Oleksiy Pecherov

"A thing of beauty! Einstein, Da Vinci, Jobs! And now Tyreke Evans!"

— Bill Walton

"I have a '27 years without getting arrested' streak, so I wanna keep that up. Maybe texting people back quicker. Stop lying about not seeing people’s text messages. That would help."

— Evan Turner when asked about New Year's Resolutions.

"I know there is someone, somewhere, trying to take my spot. And I know where he is too. He's in Oklahoma."

— LeBron James

"Because they don't have fours."

— Antoine Walker when asked why he shot so many threes

"The thing we're going to miss most about Dwight is his farting ability. A great farter. He can fart."

— Glen Davis

"Outside of LeBron James and Dwyane Wade, we're more talented than them."

— Joe Johnson

"One year, we had six guys in jail. Not together, because that would have meant teamwork."

— Jon Spoelstra, former Nets president

"I haven't disrespected him. Yet."

— Bryon Russell about Doug Collins

"You look at Vladimir Radmanovic, this guy is cut from stone. It’s as if Michelangelo were reading and a lightning bolt flashed before him."

— Bill Walton

"He just stands there, but it's effective."

— Ray Allen on Shawn Bradley's defense

"I'm cleaner than Pine-Sol."

— Reggie Evans after taking a drugs test

"I started despising him. We sat down a lot, but it always ended up being him talking and me listening."

— Ray Allen on George Karl

"When I hit that fan, I definitely enjoyed it."

— Stephen Jackson

"How the hell can I make my teammates better by practicing?"

— Allen Iverson

"I want to thank my teammates for allowing their men to get to the basket again, forcing me to block shots and pick up fouls, and sometimes technical fouls."

— Dwight Howard

"Guys were talking about hunting, but I'm a city kid. I don't hunt. I don't like to kill things, but I know what it feels like to be hunted. I'm from the 'hood."

— Cuttino Mobley

"They don't let many black people in the governor's mansion in Alabama, unless they're cleaning."

— Charles Barkley

"I'm like a superhero. Call me Basketball Man."

— LeBron James while still in high school

"There will always be haters, that’s just the way it is. Hating dudes marry hating women and have hating ass kids."

— Evan Turner

"He's the best Valentine I've ever had."

— Chandler Parsons about Jeremy Lin

"We told Stanley Roberts to go on a water diet, and Lake Superior disappeared."

— Pat Williams

"I'm still looking pretty handsome, as you can see."

— Jae Crowder, after being elbowed

"If you couldn't shoot, there would be no reason for you to be alive."

— Charles Barkley to Steve Kerr

"I definitely want to thank my doctor, my psychiatrist, she really helped me relax a lot."

— Ron Artest in the seconds immediately following his first championship win.

"All I can do is take them in and out of the games."

— Vinny Del Negro on why his players are underperforming

"I’d rather go 0-30 than 0-9, because if you go 0-9, that means you stopped shooting."

— Dion Waiters

"He's not 20 years old. No way. I'm going to have to see a birth certificate or something."

— Antawn Jamison on LeBron James

"He just kept saying 'Michael Jordan is going to kill me.'"

— Sgt. Kirk Hartwell after arresting Kwame Brown for speeding

"I never knew that I could have a redneck as a best friend."

— Joakim Noah about Brad Miller

"We're going to be exciting. Of course, it was exciting when the Titanic went down."

— Bob Weiss about the 1992 Atlanta Hawks

"The AI offense...get the ball to AI and clear out."

— Kevin Ollie, on the offense they ran when he was playing in Philly

"Everything Dennis Rodman does is either planned or unplanned."

— Dennis Rodman

"I might win MVP or try to go for Sixth Man of the Year or Most Improved or Defensive Player of the Year. I got robbed last year."

— Nick Young on his goals for the 2014-15 season

"Who wants to sex Mutombo?"

— Dikembe Mutombo walking into a party at college

"In season, he's Doc, but during the off-season my name for him is The D-O-C."

— Kendrick Perkins about Doc Rivers

"I just don't want the day to come where I pick up that paper and it says he shot someone, or that he was shot. Every day that goes by that I don't see that, I feel good."

— Moe Smedley, Zach Randolph's high school coach

"It's not that bad here."

— Joe Johnson, while with the Nets

"I just hate that I still get pimples."

— Anderson Varejao

"No comment."

— Michael Jordan, after being asked for his response to making the All-Interview Team

"I didn't play a single minute in the whole joint. So I'm not in any rush to get that ring."

— Eddy Curry about his championship ring

"Cafeterias are my favorite place to eat out. Where else can you inspect a prepared entree before ordering it?"

— Doug Moe

"I will miss him a lot. He was a good friend. And he owes me $80."

— Yao Ming after Bostjan Nachbar was traded

"Y’all know how we have dogs and stuff right? So I think it was bigger people in the world before us, and the dinosaurs was they pets."

— Jordan Clarkson

"Just another day in the life of the Red Mamba."

— Matt Bonner after blocking four shots in a game

"You can't even jump high enough to touch the rim, unless they put a Big Mac on it."

— Charles Barkley to Oliver Miller

"I'm a big fan of the Nobel Peace Prize."

— Ron Artest after his 67 game suspension

"It's nice just to play against [Michael Jordan]. Sometimes you get your picture in the paper."

— Eddie Johnson

"And [Reggie] Evans, you talk about Vlade being a flopper? This guy is taking it to a whole new level. He goes down when the air conditioning comes on."

— Rick Adelman

"I've seen worse. I was in Milwaukee with Anthony Mason, and this was nothing."

— Joel Przybilla about Darius Miles

"I've had to overcome a lot of diversity."

— Drew Gooden

"I want them to at least name the rule after me."

— Stan Van Gundy after the NBA outlawed mock turtlenecks

"Who cares about Thanksgiving, as long as you've got Julia Stiles."

— Steve Martin, Bobcats play-by-play announcer

"They told me if we built a new practice facility we'd attract all the top players in the game."

— Donald Sterling

"I know why girls go and have their nails done so often and have spa days. It feels awesome."

— DeAndre Jordan

"They've been my life."

— Bill Walton about the Grateful Dead

"Pimping ain't easy, pimping ain't dead. Hos are just scared."

— Charles Oakley

"In retrospect, it's OK today. Every now and then you've got to eat a turd sandwich."

— Shane Battier on being benched

"Light travels faster than sound, so some people appear to be bright until you hear them speak."

— Brian Williams/Bison Dele about Isiah Thomas

"That was just something I made up."

— Vernon Maxwell after taking two weeks off mid-season citing personal problems

"With me and Z [Ilgauskas], we're the best center ever created. Better than Bill Walton. Not better than Mr. Russell, but he's different. But better than anybody."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"Damn, I have a great ass."

— Shane Battier

"In my prime I could have handled Michael Jordan. Of course, he would be only 12 years old."

— Jerry Sloan

"Bruh, we don't even know if dinosaurs is real - they're probably down there just chilling. I'm saying, if some of them could be down just all the way in the bottom just chilling. And asleep or something."

— Jordan Clarkson

"All the guys in the locker room will give me a hard time and call me Robin Thicke or call me Justin Bieber. I take it as a compliment."

— Chandler Parsons

"No autopsy, no foul."

— Stewart Granger, former Villanova and Cavaliers guard

"If they're scoring, keep feeding them. If they're missing, then I'll do me. That's talent. I'm multitalented. Like Bo Jackson."

— Gilbert Arenas

"Raef Lafrentz and Shawn Bradley should start considering new careers."

— Bill Walton

"Yesterday we celebrated Sir Isaac Newton's discovery of gravity. Today, Fabricio Oberto is defying it."

— Bill Walton

"It would be almost physically impossible for it to go up."

— Stan Van Gundy when asked about his trying to lose weight

"I spent money, I slept with women around the league, but I always kept my mind on the game."

— Dennis Rodman

"There's nothing he can do about it now except to make sure that he is aware of where his weapons are."

— Nate McMillan, after Sebastian Telfair was charged with carrying a concealed weapon

"All I wanted to do was not get dunked on. Well, that lasted about three seconds."

— Nate Huffman on facing Shaq for the first time

"Mandarin is gonna be the language in 15 to 20 years."

— Stephon Marbury

"He's actually about 6'11 but because God chose not to give him a neck he only measures about 6'9."

— Phil Jackson about Zach Randolph

"Was it for [Richard] Jefferson?"

— Jalen Rose after hearing Vince Carter was traded to New Jersey

"I'm not trying to get into any Cheerio commercials, or Coca-Cola commercials. I want to do a commercial in the hood."

— Ron Artest

"I don't wear pantyhose."

— Marcus Camby

"He's got the contract, and I don't like to waste money."

— Former Kings owner Jim Thomas on why he wouldn't fire former coach Garry St Jean.

"It was 201 years ago today, Beethoven's Symphony No. 3 in E-flat, which escorted in the age of Romanticism in music. And when I think of Boris Diaw, I think of Beethoven and the age of the Romantics."

— Bill Walton

"I'm often mentioned in the same sentence as Michael Jordan. You know, 'That Scott Hastings, he's no Michael Jordan.'"

— Scott Hastings

"I'm telling you what it is: I know I'm the best point guard in the NBA. I don't need anybody else to tell me that."

— Stephon Marbury, a while ago

"Don't think for one min that I haven't been taking mental notes of everyone taking shots at me this summer. And I mean everyone!"

— LeBron James

"He took this matchup with Korver pretty seriously. White America!"

— Joakim Noah about Mike Dunleavy Jr

"I've won Player of the Month before. They don't ever give me anything for it. A new car, something, a plaque"

— Paul Pierce

"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING' WINS ONE."

— Dan Gilbert, in Comic Sans

"That's not bling! These are angel wings around my neck!"

— Stephon Marbury

"Viper. I like Boa constrictor, too. But viper is the best meat I've ever had. It tastes like fish and chicken combined. It's very good."

— Luc Mbah A Moute, when asked to name his favourite food.

"I think I did very well against everyone who tried to defend me."

— Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

"Lucky shot, that's all. You don't need to have skills."

— Vlade Divac about Robert Horry's shot in Game 4 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals

"I'm telling you, Darko [Milicic] is a Serbian gangster. Darko's got some bodies back there. He can go psycho on guys."

— Rasheed Wallace

"Don't ask for my autograph. Ask me about the rage inside me."

— Dennis Scott to the kids at a coaching camp

"The only thing he used to be able to do when I first got here was the Christmas videos."

— Dwyane Wade about Eric Spoelstra

"If I'm the best rookie in the league, then this league is s**t."

— Jorge Garbajosa after winning Rookie Of The Month

"I keep asking to be invited to the dance tryouts but no one ever allows me there. I'll just say this: My general philosophy is that you can teach them to dance."

— Daryl Morey

"Man I can’t remember all the clubs we went to."

— Shaq after a basketball trip to Greece was asked if he visited the Parthenon

"Last year it was Abe Pollin's widow and this year it was a 14-year-old boy and the only thing we have in common is we have both been bar mitzvahed. We were done."

— David Kahn on why he didn't win the lottery

"It's not a bad shot until you miss it."

— Jordan Crawford

"He's very white swan. I need him to be more black swan."

— Kobe Bryant about Pau Gasol

"What a pathetic play from a pathetic human being."

— Bill Walton about Larry Johnson

"I just think [Jesus] is really brilliant, that you lose your teeth when you're a baby rather than you lose them when you're, like, 30 or 20. That has nothing to do with your question, but that was definitely on my mind."

— Metta World Peace

"I haven't seen a big man pass like him [Darko Milicic]. He really does pass like Vlade."

— David Kahn

"I was shooting 45 times a game. What was I supposed to do? Pass it into Chris Mihm and Kwame Brown?"

— Kobe Bryant

"You have to forgive people at some point. I believe that. We built Richard Nixon a library."

— Doc Rivers

"He's white normally, but he's really white now."

— Larry Brown on Keith Van Horn being sick

"Hey, some places this would be a foul!"

— Abe Lemons to the scorer's table while holding up the freshly knocked-out tooth of one of his players

"Patrick Ewing used to be much better in every aspect of the game."

— Bill Walton

"Who the hell is Casey Jacobsen? Tell him to show up at the airport and he can carry my bags."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"We got Zaza Pachulia being their leading scorer. You know what I'm saying? We'll take that."

— Kenyon Martin about his team's defensive performance

"It's always frustrating when you get down 40 points."

— Nazr Mohammed

"Tracy McGrady is doing things we've never seen from anybody - from any planet."

— Bill Walton

"Just say I'm from Somalia and I need food."

— Stephen Jackson on his determination to win

"In the top story of the day, I've been traded to Portland."

— Kiki Vanderweghe, who worked an offseason job as a local news reporter

"I don't want to shoot my mouth in the foot, but those are games we can win."

— Sherman Douglas

"They should have focused more on me."

— Sebastian Telfair's opinion of a documentary about Sebastian Telfair

"As long as I play ball, I can get any woman I want."

— Dennis Rodman

"Like Hamlet. It was a suspense thriller, and I killed them at the end.”

— Quentin Richardson after a game winner

"I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"Bitch, you better learn to play the three."

— Andre Barrett to Justin Reed

"My goal in life is to have a Lavoy Allen day. One day. Just one where I don't give a **** about anything."

— Doug Collins

"That one is for all the suburban Dads out there. I might release a DVD of that."

— Shane Battier after his first dunk for four years

"The best [LeBron] James can ever be is an average NBA player."

— Charley Rosen

"What's that? Some kind of hamburger?"

— Bo Outlaw, when asked about how he felt on recording his first triple double

"You've gotta respect a 15% three-point shooter. A guy like that is always lethal."

— Evan Turner when asked about his own shot

"I thought about [Michael Jordan] passing to Steve Kerr. And I thought, 'Well, let me add that to my legacy. I’ll pass one time.' And that was it. It was unbelievable, actually. Ingenious by me."

— Evan Turner

"We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors."

— Weldon Drew